she had a weakness for writers...

in the midst of everything that brings me joy (graduating and moving the away from this place), i somehow find some sort of melancholy. i can't seem to help but want things to happen that simply cannot... but i guess that this is the human condition and whatnot. i wish that i could just be satisfied with how much i've accomplished, but i seem to be focused on my failures of late (yes, i realize that this is ridiculous, but c'est la vie).

don't count your chickens before they hatch, right? well, i'm moving to dubai regardless. i'm without concrete employment offers, a work visa, or even a plan of what i'm to do once i get out into the 'real world' half-way across the planet from everything i'm familiar with at the moment. i'm just holding my breath for some serious luck once i get to dubai, since i've been on about an eight-year dry spell of it... but i suppose that in the long-run, i can just count myself lucky, for now, for actually being eligible to graduate on saturday.



trinity said...

i know exactly what you mean, sweetheart. i hear that nagging voice all the time.

when do you move? i'm going to miss you, and i'm already 1,000 miles away from you!

Anonymous said...

Your thoughts about your self-described failures are thoughts we ourselves all endure. You’re right, it is the human condition, this ability to judge ourselves.

I’ve found that when you stop going along with the crowd you begin to realize that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may or may not like. I know you’re not the type to follow the crowd, but it doesn’t really matter. These insecurities are in us all. You have feelings of hesitancy and questions of where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

Some look at their job. It is not even close to what they thought they would be doing. In your case, you are looking for one, and may be realizing that you are going to start at the bottom and are scared. You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and making friends and while wining the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not. You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared. Suddenly change is the enemy, and while you try to cling on to the past with dear life, you’re outstretched, desperately trying to grab hold of the future. The past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward. Staying where you are seems easier, but may not be the best.

You’re concerned about missing the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. You start realizing that those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. But then you think that maybe they were great and you will miss them terribly. As you said, “I guess you never really know how much people mean to you until they're out of your life and you think that you'll never have them as part of your life anymore.”

What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.
Just realize that everyone reading your concerns is relating to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.
Your concerns are legitimate, but in the end, if you have the belief that you will prevail, the confidence that you’ll make it – long-lost-luck be damned! – then, you will.

You know all of this.

I know this, because you’ve told us via blog:

“Live your wonderful life to its absolute fullest because no matter how bad it really gets, your life is really, truly quite wonderful when it gets right down to it.”

Oh, and for the second time, I want to recommend a book to you. However, you must buy your own this time; don’t keep mine: The Architecture of Happiness, and Status Anxiety by Alain De Botton. Actually, I would recommend all of De Botton’s books.

You'll do great, you always have, greatness is in you. Congratulations on graduating!

trinity said...

well... saturday has past. i assume you're free now =)

i had this terrible dream a few months ago that the u of a called saying i, in fact, did not meet the requirements for graduation and that i needed to report immediately back to fayetteville to finish or they were going to tell my employers that i'd lied on my resume and didn't have a college degree. the mere thought woke me up in a sweat.