david slew goliath. he didn't kick the shit out of him.

i find myself becoming very angry, nay irate, very easily of late. you will probably find me , most often, brandishing beautifully-strung-together strings of curses that would make sailors blush. i have found that cursing - i mean cursing really well - is a cultivated art form. these kind of things take years of practice.

this highly valuable skill is typically demonstrated by unique combinations of curses or 'shockingly obscene phrases.' these, mind you, are typically accompanied by very vivid mental imagery that make people either a] cringe, b] blush, c] look around to see who else is listening to your filthy mouth, d] scoff, e] pretend they are offended because of their virgin ears, or f] cover their ears/mouth and gasp in utter amazement at the most disgusting/offensive thing they've ever heard.

i find it very funny that my favorite targets of these outbursts seem to be inanimate objects. these cannot, of course, react to my tirades and incessant hurling of insults, but it makes it no less entertaining. granted, the situations that cause me to erupt in profanity are not particularly pleasant, but the realization that i've just allowed myself to become irate with something that cannot respond to my blathering is always incredibly amusing in hindsight. especially if there happens to be someone else around to think i'm nuts to be screaming at something that couldn't give a rat's ass about my obvious frustration.

things i've screamed at lately: mostly at computers - for not doing exactly what i want them to do... they're intelligent machines... shouldn't they be able to read my mind by now? people driving like morons - this is not just an arkansas phenomenon... people here make arkansans look like pros. holy. mother. of god. my sunglasses, for fogging up when i walk outside into the sauna that is dubai. the cabinet doors that i - without fail - slam my head into as i try to get something off of the top shelf (which, by the way is designed for a giant).

and, of course, the walls that i run into... because, you know? it's most definitely the wall's fault that i'm so clumsy. they're not stationary or anything... i mean, you have to be very alert to avoid running, toe-first, into them.

take my advice and watch those walls. especially the corners... they're froggy.

1 comment:

Princess in Galoshes said...

I *totally* just gave my computer a verbal lashing this morning, exactly like what you are talking about!

And then I added a few choice words for Comcast, who can't seem to repair my internet connection. Fuck 'em.