new things in a kind of in-between

radio silence is over.

in the midst of a time of immense changes in my life (preparing to change careers, change countries, change my health... for the better, i hope), i got laid off. yes, i am now just another unemployed architect... i have never been more glad (read: bitter) about spending five years stumbling through (read: torturing myself with) architecture school at the cost of my health, normal sleep schedule, some semblance of a social life, and - possibly - most of my sanity.

needless to say, i have been dealing with some pretty ridiculous emotional ups and downs this month - one of the primary reasons i have not posted anything in a while - i am not quite off of the roller coaster, but i am resolved to have more positive days than negative ones. i realize that things could really be so much worse (after two appeals and a lot of fighting with bureaucrats, i have been deemed eligible for unemployment benefits in germany, and i can still keep my health insurance... which is a huge weight off of my shoulders right now), and i am determined to remind myself that i just need to keep fighting in order to make things better.

i am a stubborn little shit and i do not give up (which is both a positive and negative thing)... and i prefer to keep smiling through the pain than to dwell and be broody about things that have already happened (<-- definitely not so much my style).

so, while i am waiting to hear back regarding my graduate school application, i am working part time at an ice cream parlor (in a weird mix of italian, german, and english... my brain feels like soup at the end of the day) and am focusing on doing the things i have always wanted to do here in stuttgart but have never found the time to do (i.e. touristy nonsense, laying in the sun in the park with a good book and a beer, going for a run in the forest every day, going to the theatah and the operrrra, brushing up on the languages i have learned but recently forgotten, etc.).

i have booked a flight to return me to the states, regardless of grad school admissions, at the beginning of august. it's a little terrifying and a lot exhilarating to be making such a big change once again. i have no idea what i will be doing at the end of the summer or where exactly i will end up... but i am ridiculously excited to find out what is to come.

cheers.

daydreaming

i have been window shopping all day... for cookbooks. anyone who knows me knows how much i love to cook; to play with ingredients; to experiment with flavors. my dream is to, one day, have a kitchen in which an entire wall is composed of bookshelves filled to bursting with cookbooks... inspiration. (i also want a multi-story library with rolling ladders, a studio, darkroom, and a never-ending herb garden, but that is neither here nor there)

cookbooks are wondrous things to me - like stories told with food. my only problem is that i rarely follow a recipe exactly. ever. i have notebooks on top of notebooks filled with recipes that i have tweaked or completely revised for a location/season/occasion.

i have been teaching myself a few german recipes... i am particularly fond of the southern food, as it reminds me of summers at my grandmother's house in southern arkansas somehow. i have found a delightful swabian cookbook, but it is entirely written in dialect (which is a far cry from the german i learned in class), and i am going to try my hand at some real traditional swabian cooking! i will post pictures and recipes as i go :)

cheers.

a little something you should know...

i just finished reading the last lecture by randy pausch. it made me laugh, cry, and think a lot. this man was 47 and was given a death sentence - pancreatic cancer - and instead of spending his last months in despair or wallowing in pity, he chose to share a little bit of himself and leave a bit of profound advice for his very young children (and all of the people who read his book/watch his lecture, by proxy).

here are his words:

i have been repeating several things in my head of late, and they have only been reinforced by hearing and reading what dr. pausch had to say...

the first is what has become my new mantra: 'live fully, love deeply, and smile with your eyes';

the other, i found on an antique wax seal: 'dum spiro spero.' in latin, that's 'while i breathe, i hope.'

so, keep hoping and never stop finding ways to get over/around/through any of the brick walls you may come against.

too important to leave to politics

you'll have to forgive me for posting this late, as due to the time difference, i only just saw this... but if you're an american with a functioning brain between your ears, please take a minute - or forty - and watch this video. i am so thankful that someone with as much reach as mr. olbermann took the time to talk about our healthcare fiasco not just with reason on his side, but personal experience and real emotion... i know he won't read this, but i just want to say, 'thank you, mr. olbermann, from the bottom of my heart - for taking this as seriously as it needs to be taken and for continuing to talk about the facts and the issues that really matter in this debate.'

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this really is too important to leave to politicians who seem to have less than honorable intentions with regards to our national health. i have, personally, spent way more of my life fighting with insurance companies and not getting coverage because i happened to be bitten by a tick that passed lymes disease on to me at age 2 to not get overly impassioned about this issue. i hate the fact that both arkansas senators (where i am registered to vote and where my family farm is) are on the list of people who just seem to care more about getting their next campaign contribution than actually performing their civic duty - a duty we elected them for - to ensure the betterment of their constituents' lives.

in arkansas (and texas), i have been denied coverage for almost every type of treatment because of a preexisting condition i had and have no control over. in arkansas, i had to pay out of pocket for an mri to search for what my doctors thought could be brain cancer because, according to my insurance provider, brain cancer and lymes disease are inextricably linked. in arkansas and all over the states, i have friends who have to choose between buying insurance for themselves and their children and paying rent or making a car payment. i am honestly wondering why senators lincoln and pryor, of arkansas, aren't addressing this problem - in arkansas and the rest of the country - with the seriousness it deserves. i am wondering how our elected officials can sleep at night while those who gave them their votes are going bankrupt, losing their homes, and dying because of a problem they turn a blind eye to.

i hope that hearing these segments from one honest american - whether you agree with him on what exactly needs to be done or not - moves you to contact your representatives. i hope that you have the chance to tell them that if they do not do something real about this very serious set of problems, that they do not deserve the office they hold and that you will be giving your vote to someone who will deserve that honorable position.

i know that i am far removed from this debate - for now. i know that some would think that because i do not currently reside in the u.s. (even though i will be moving back next year), that i should not be entitled to the opinion i am giving here or the right to vote that i so proudly exercise when given the opportunity, even from a distance. but i also know that now that i live in germany, i have full healthcare coverage for the first time in my life... real coverage that actually pays for treatment and prevention. i know that i had to sit in a hospital and recovery center at my father's side last year and listen to stories about how people - my dad included - have to sign over their farms and houses before they can be treated for a heart attack that is currently threatening to take their life just in case their insurance doesn't pay. i know that my family and friends and their families and friends have to deal with the consequences of this every day. i know that i voted for 'change [i] can believe in' and i want that change desperately... not just for me but for everyone in america, because the right to good healthcare and prevention is what i consider to be a basic human right. as american citizens, it is high bloody time we were provided with it.

neglect

i have been rather neglectful of ye olde blog here for a while... i just wanted to post a note here to inform anyone who actually still reads this that i will be writing more (actual substance) here very, very soon. real life has kept me somewhat busy of late, but i will be posting pictures of stuttgart (finally), my quick trip to berlin with my friend enrica, and more soapbox-y type stuff than you could ever hope for in the immediate future.

cheers.

ear worm

this song is haunting me. it's beautiful and sad, yet uplifting, and it's taken up residence in my head. i thought i would share...

cheers.

i want this on a t-shirt

image via violet voice

i dream of...

...buildings!

i am all aflutter over cb2's new urban mandala bedding set. i am in the strategizing process of redoing my bedroom and i am thinking that these are a definite must for me. they are a little pricier than i am used to, but i am seriously tempted...

images via cb2.

happy fourth!

... an independent spirit at its best.

happy fourth of july.

all wound up and full of promise: a musical intervention to start the weekend